Pick your words as they pick their battles

Myths seem hard to believe, at least when you’re not a child anymore. Instead, picture someone pulling themselves out of their weak frame, lying in their bed, and running out of tears to spare. Close your eyes and see – they close their eyes, and it makes them able to see nothing. Nothing inside, nothing around. Words from your mouth from years ago form a string. A few knots, and now they have a noose to tighten around their neck.

Photo by Glen Carrie on Unsplash

“You don’t deserve to be loved because you don’t know how to love.”

“You’re selfish, nothing else, just selfish.”

“You are a disappointment.”

“You are”

You.

How hard does that seem to believe? It becomes as familiar as one’s name – conjured by everybody else but them.

Words spewed by a tongue may be construed harshly by the conscience of the listener. This is the unwritten tragedy, rejected by most.

Language is an essential means of communication through which individuals can express their thoughts, emotions, and intentions while also being equipped to understand and interpret their thoughts, feelings, and intentions. Often, language is accompanied by non-verbal yet observable inputs, adding a refined meaning to the conversation.

Blessed with such powerful weaponry, it becomes crucial that people realize the severity of the impact of their use of language. However, the act of making errors in terms of allowing a misinterpretation of the ideas conveyed by the speaker seems to be fixated on human nature.

A notorious distinction seems necessary to grasp the crux of this article: “I intended to” v/s “I didn’t intend to.” If one intends to say what they said, then that means they were completely aware of the worst possible influence their words could’ve had on the target, whereas if one didn’t intend to hurt the listener, then there has been merely a misunderstanding.

Scenario Alpha: A hypothetical situation

Person X and Person Y are peers at school. They’re turning 18 soon, and within a few weeks, they will get a chance to attend the high school prom. X is popular in school, having wider social circles and tremendous confidence. Y is a shy individual who doesn’t have many friends, wears glasses, and struggles with bulimia. Often, X bullies Y since they see them as weaker individuals and love the sense of power they enjoy over them. Once, X made fun of Y in front of everybody and said, “Look at that ugly brat, fatter than a Sumo!”. Now, everybody ridicules Y by calling them ‘Sumo’. This troubles them deeply and worsens their bulimia, thus making them overeat irregularly while crying, and then looking at themselves in the mirror and finally purging. This constant routine has made them so vulnerable that now that they’re admitted to a hospital, their body cannot accept food anymore.

Scenario Beta: A hypothetical situation

Person R is the mother of Person S. S’s father is abusive towards S, yet R isn’t aware of the same. Often, in front of R, S tends to shout at and disrespect their father, thus, making it seem like the father is the victim in this scenario. S doesn’t feel comfortable enough to share the truth with their mother, R. Unaware of the issue, one day, R slams S for their behavior and says, “You are not worthy of a father. He loves you beyond your understanding and you, spoilt kid, are not someone who deserves love. You’re irrevocably selfish!”. Eventually, S, hurt by R’s words, writes a note, confessing to the truth, packs their bag, and runs away. On reading the note, R feels crushed and betrayed and begins to blame herself.

Scenario Gamma: A hypothetical situation

Person C is the husband of Person D. One day, over breakfast, C begins talking about the rise in the number of divorces in the city. To which, D surprisingly responds, “Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to live anymore.” C is shocked to hear their husband’s expression. Not knowing what to say, they take their time, fumble, and then utter, “You should try harder. Things will be okay, it’s just in your head. I know you’re strong enough to get over this phase.”

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

All of the above situations have been elaborated as examples to allow the readers to glimpse the concerns that need pinpointing. In Scenario Alpha, it becomes evident that the bully intended to say what they said. This means that they were entirely responsible for the consequences faced by the other person. People need to realize that one of the most essential qualities that make us human is empathy. Empathy is the ability of an individual to be able to see themselves in somebody else’s situation, through their point of view, and in their shoes. It is a skill that is mastered only by the most emotionally intelligent beings. Often, we fail to put ourselves in the shadows of the one in front of us, which leaves us exposed to a sense of entitlement. There are doors hiding things one isn’t aware of, yet, they decide to knock over them countless times till the hinges fall apart and those things begin to crawl out. Each individual is trying to frame a life that makes a living as painless as possible, and to neglect that effort made by others would intensify the pain for everybody involved.

Thus, it becomes imperative to develop a sense of empathy in oneself. We need to realize that everything said or uttered from our mouth can not have a ‘word of caution’ hung over it. We need to be accountable for the thoughts later claimed as a “slip of the tongue.”

The following scenario is particularly concerning the first one. The father plays the role of a catalyst and the mother, an innocent yet frustrated character. The victim is their child, who is unable to express through words or voice. This inability is a serious one, yet not something that has been opted for. Often, people force themselves into a space that has more than four walls. Facing the struggles of their own lives, playing ping-pong with the walls and the nightmares – they hear everything the world has to offer through those walls, yet the world out there seems to turn deaf to their screams. Perhaps, these screams and commotion are so deeply rooted that they fail to exceed their limits of invisibility. This indicates that it isn’t always true that the individuals who don’t “show” signs of psychological distress aren’t going through one. Indeed, empathy seems to be a superhuman profession in this context; however, one can do less and at least try to be sympathetic. An escape can be orchestrated by a lamb who is fearful of the wolf, as well as by a wolf who is afraid of himself.

The mother, in this scenario, fails to listen to the silence of the child. Unfortunately, her misinterpretation of the situation leads her to commit a crime – degenerating the rotten soul. Of course, she never intended to do the same, and this leaves an opportunity for amendments. To mend the broken bond, it is important to take the initiative. Thus, if people face a situation where their words were wrongly placed in the context, they must immediately, i.e., after the realization, gear up to fix what has been destroyed. Sympathizing with the individual who is closeted within their multidimensional table tennis room would do more good in this situation, rather than empathizing with them since one isn’t aware of their frame of mind. To put it in simple words, the size of the shoe they wear isn’t compatible with your size.

The last scenario is where a depressed person is expressive of their issue and quite vocal about it. Fortunately, the husband is also reciprocating and adding to the conversation through sympathy. However, the fault in this conversation arises when we realize how sympathy is oddly placed in that context. This isn’t a place for empathy either. Then what must the poor husband do to help his partner out?

Taking a step back is one of the most significant help one can provide to a distress call. Often, people who are willing to be free with their expression tend to require somebody who would simply listen. This means that curbing your words and listening to the other person with nothing but compassion can also relieve them. Hence, sometimes it is just better to allow a role reversal and be a good listener. A listener might even face a situation where they do not understand the speaker’s expression; however, a mere attempt to do the same would provide a hand over their shoulder, letting them know that you’re there for them. Asking them to fix things themselves is the same as letting go of their hand and isolating them in a dark room.

It is an art – communication. Selectively chosen words do not mean anything more than the helpline suggestions provided by a search engine. A mechanistic view towards the same wouldn’t do any good, no matter how carefully the thoughts were arranged before expression. Feelings of empathy, sympathy, and compassion are personal and profound, and to use them and choose to omit their use requires people to make the issue itself quite personal and profound.

Closing your eyes and imagining your words to spear that cut deep through somebody’s body and soul can be graphic and excruciating on yourself. However, once in a while, it is better to close your eyes and see the truth if you can not see it with your open eyes.

“If God is busy killing me,

And I’m busy killing God;

Would you still mind if I kill somebody, And blame it on God?”

Written by: Jasmine Kaur (Second Year)

Reviewed by: Palak Singla (Editing Team Coordinator) Labhanshi Mittal (Blog Coordinator)