Grieving : The first step to Healing

Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes, the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim. ~ Vicki Harrison

Year 2020- the year that changed everything. A long and a different year when we all learnt more about ourselves, some valuable lessons, and spent a good amount of time at home with our family. We all encountered unwanted issues which destroyed our mental peace. Tension, uncertainty, and pressure has become a part of everyone’s lives. When we see our loved ones, our family members, our friends losing their lives due to the pandemic, the situation becomes even worse. With the novel virus, the world is trapped between grief and loss. Sometimes people aren’t even aware about the nature of grief they are experiencing. Grief can be incredibly isolating and can also develop a scenario where people aren’t able to socialize much. People who are in a close proximity to the individuals experiencing extreme grief can also be affected by it.

So the question arises, what exactly does grief mean? Can grief have different meanings to different people?

Grief is universal. Everyone is encountered with grief at least once in their life. It can be the death of a loved one, break-up or divorce, losing a job, etc. The intensity and coping with grief may vary from person to person, but there are some common symptoms one is likely to face when grieving. Some of the emotional symptoms may include sadness, anger, guilt, shock, fear, and disbelief. While one may also suffer physical symptoms like lowered immunity, fatigue, nausea, aches and pains, weight loss or weight gain, and insomnia.

“In days that follow, I discover that anger is easier to handle than grief." ~Emily Giffin

Grief is an overwhelming emotion. Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed a theory in which he suggests that any person experiencing grief goes through five distinct stages of grief after the loss of a loved one: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. For months you remain in one stage and skip the other stage depending on the intensity of the grief one goes through. Everyone doesn’t need to experience the stages in the exact order. The pain an individual experiences is very personal and does not follow any order or schedule.

STAGE 1 : DENIAL

Denial is a type of defense mechanism where an individual refuses to accept reality or the fact that loss has happened. However, denial gives you more time to accept things slowly and gradually. It is a process where an individual takes one by one step to adjust to a new reality. For an instance, if an individual is suffering from cancer, they may refuse to accept their illness. They may claim their illness as “This isn’t happening to me, the diagnosis is wrong.” Some of the emotions experienced during this stage are avoidance, shock, confusion, and fear.

STAGE 2 : ANGER

Anger is just like a masking effect. When we are trying to accept reality, it is very common to experience emotions of anger or discomfort. Anger is an emotion that we express with less fear of judgment or rejection by society. In our society, we are forced to suppress our anger rather than express it. In this process of expressing anger, it is natural to feel abandoned. It is just a temporary phase. One may ask “ Where is God in this? How dare he let it happen?” Some of the emotions experienced during this stage are frustration, irritation, and anxiety.

STAGE 3 : BARGAINING

After a loss, it seems like you will do anything to get your loved ones back. One may feel incapable and vulnerable. It is common to look for ways to regain control. In this stage, one is likely to make a lot of “ what if” and “only if” statements. We also bargain with pain. We may do anything not to face the pain of this loss. Bargaining provides a temporary escape from pain and provides hope. In this stage, one also focuses on their faults or regrets. They may say “If only we had gone to the doctor sooner, we could have stopped this”. Some of the emotions experienced during this stage are struggling to find meaning, reaching out to others and telling one’s story.

STAGE 4 : DEPRESSION

Depression is the quietest stage of depression. Due to the grieving, we have an empty feeling inside us that enters deeper and deeper. It is also necessary to understand that depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is just a natural response to a great loss. During this stage, one may start to look at reality. By this stage, we try to isolate ourselves from others to cope with the loss in a healthy manner. We try to face the loss and bargaining seems no longer a viable option. The loss feels inevitable and the imaginations calm down. Depression is not easy or well defined. However, dealing with depression can be extremely isolating. One may claim , “My entire life has come to this terrible end”. Some of the emotions experienced during this stage are overwhelmed helplessness, flight, and hostility.

STAGE 5 : ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance means that one has accepted the loss and has understood what it means in their life. During this stage, they no longer feel the pain of loss. However, acceptance does not necessarily mean an uplifting stage of grief, it simply means that we are no longer resisting the reality of our present situation. We have absorbed the reality and adjusted to the new situation. It is a way to see that there are more good days than bad and if there are bad days, then it’s ok. One may say “I am at peace with whatever happened”. Some of the emotions experienced during this stage are exploring options, moving on, and new plans in place.

MYTHS & FACTS ABOUT GRIEF

Myth: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keeping it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

Myth: It’s important to “be strong” in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can be helpful.

Myth: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

Myth: Grieving should last about a year.

Fact: There is no specific time frame for grieving. How long it takes differs from person to person.

Myth: Moving on with your life means forgetting about your loss.

Fact: Moving on means you’ve accepted your loss—but it’s not the same as forgetting. You can move on with your life and keep the memory of someone or something you lost as an important part of yourself. As we move through life, these memories can become more and more integral to defining the people we are.

HOW CAN WE HELP PEOPLE IN HANDLING GRIEF?

THE DOs:

1. Reach out to them- We might feel apprehensive talking about their loss, but it’s important to realize that it is present in their minds and might even make them feel better knowing that someone cares about them and their pain.

2. Back off when needed – If judging by their reaction, we feel that they are not comfortable with us talking about it, it’s best to back off.

3. Find ways to express love- For some people, a hug, or a simple Facebook post, and for others it would be more than enough if you just sit beside them, and letting them know you are there for them.

THE DON’Ts :

1. Don’t compare it to your experience, unless it is a fitting comparison- We often tend to compare our own life experiences with others’ situation, but that might do more harm than good. It might even lead the person to feel uncomfortable and worsen their condition.

2. Don’t try to focus only on the Negatives- Sometimes after people pass away, we tend to comfort the grieving person by using phrases like, “he was such a good man, he did a lot for society.” This is not the right time to say such things and might escalate their distress.

3. Never say “I Understand”- We often tend to assure people that we understand their grief but in reality, it’s next to impossible for us to feel what they are feeling. Even if we may have gone through a similar experience in the past, we can’t quote that we understand them or what they’re experiencing. The way of coping up with a loss can vary widely in people. Instead, you can use phrases like, “I can’t even imagine what you must be going through” or “It might be so hard to cope up with all this, but I can assure you that I’m here with you in this moment”.

Sometimes, when we experience grief, we go into denial. But we must acknowledge the pain, accept what we have been through, and try to find ways of coping up with the grief that comes along. We should not compare ourselves with others in terms of coping, taking some time alone is important for these steps, but being with people who love and care about you is also necessary. This will help us emotionally but taking care of ourselves physically should also be our priority. For some people, grief sometimes turns into depression, we should be self-aware and even the people around us to timely seek professional help from a psychologist.

Nowadays, people try to give suggestions to people who are suffering, they feel that they are experts. On the contrary, what they say might do more harm than good, hence it’s best to learn about certain myths so that we don’t fall prey to such harmful advice, nor give them to people.

Some things cannot be fixed therefore it is better to let them go. One needs to make a mark in even the smallest way possible when they are alive, so when they die, they are still remembered for their kindness. This will probably make the grieving process harder but also faster.

"To live in hearts we leave behind, is not to die." ~Thomas Campbell

Written By:

Bhoomi Chawla

Khushi Bajaj

Reviewed By:

Aasis Kaur Sethi

Manvi Mehrotra